


Be Pride-pared

by Rina_san28



Series: Pride Month 2018 [9]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Puns, Bifur is a little shit, Biker Dwalin, Everyone Is Gay, F/M, M/M, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Ori is a saint, Other, Pride, Sign Language, or something, pride 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-20 20:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14901747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rina_san28/pseuds/Rina_san28
Summary: Getting the group going is like herding cats, and Ori is stuck as the sheepdog.Chapter 1 written for Pride Month 2018 Day 10: RainbowChapter 2 written for Pride Month 2018 Day 16: Parade





	1. Look like a Pride Flag Barfed on You

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry for the title pun or any other puns that may appear in this work. 
> 
> It will get a continuation for Day 16!

“Kíli, will you hold still?” Ori said in exasperation, paintbrush in hand. “This flag is going to look a lot less like a flag and a lot more like a mess if you don’t stop _moving!”_

 

“They’re not gonna listen,” Fíli called from the bathroom. He was carefully braiding pink, blue, and purple ribbons into Sigrid’s hair as she did her makeup. “You might just wanna duct tape them to a chair. ‘S what I always do.”

 

“Hey!” Kíli shouted indignantly, then yelped when Ori smacked them over the head. _“Hey!”_

 

“Stop. Moving.” Ori painted a stripe of purple under the yellow, his tongue between his teeth as he worked. When he’d shown up to Kíli and Tauriel’s apartment that morning, paints in hand, he had not expected the facepaint to be such an ordeal.

 

Tauriel walked in, wearing her long red hair tied up in a bun on top of her head and pan flag tank top. “I am shocked by your patience.”

 

“How do you live with them?” Ori said, starting the black stripe on the bottom. “I only lived next door to them when we were kids and wanted to pull my hair out half the time.”

 

“I have my methods,” Tauriel said with a wink, and the tips of Kíli’s suddenly turned a bright red. Ori decided that he very, very much did not want to know.

 

Sigrid came out to join them, Fíli close behind. “Where are we meeting Bifur and his cousins?”

 

“McDonald’s parking lot,” Ori said. “Bif asked me to text him when we leave. Oh, and Bombur isn’t coming. He, his wife, and half of their brood got food poisoning last night. He’s swearing up and down that they’re never going out to eat again.”

 

“Aw, man,” Kíli said, “I was really hoping he’d bring snacks.”

 

“Are any of the kids coming?” Sigrid asked.

 

“I think Barís is going with her girlfriend, but they’re separate from the rest of the group.”

 

“Understandable.” She tugged at her long braid. “Is there anything else left to do before we go? Fíli, is your eyeliner still intact?”

 

“I think so?” he said and trotted back to the bathroom to check.

 

Sigrid rolled her eyes. “He ruined it three times!” she complained. “Next time he wants his makeup done all Pinterest-y, he’s doing it himself.”

 

“I suck at doing eyeliner and you know it, Sig, so that’s not fair,” Fíli shot back, pecking her on the cheek.

 

“Let it never be said that the Durin siblings were easy to deal with,” Ori muttered.

 

Kíli, who had been fanning their cheek to dry the paint, pouted. “But I thought you loved us!”

 

“I do,” Ori said, “sometimes.” He checked his watch. “Okay, we _really_ need to go if we want to get parking.”

 

“Then let’s _gooooooo!”_ Kíli shouted, and with matching war cries, Fíli and Kíli grabbed their string bags and zoomed out of the apartment.

 

Tauriel, Sigrid, and Ori sighed in near-perfect unison, picked up their own bags, and followed at a much more reasonable pace.

 

\-----

 

“Where are they?” The group was standing in their appointed meeting spot, but they were the only ones there. Kíli was looking around the parking lot, bouncing slightly in excitement.

 

“I’m sure they’ll be here in just a – oh, there they are,” Fíli said. He waved at the approaching pair. “Good morning! Fancy meeting you here!”

 

“Yeah, lad, long time no see,” Bofur said, his usual cheerful grin firmly in place. His usual hat had been replaced with a ballcap, the phrase “Make America Gay Again” embroidered on the front. “Bombur sends his regrets, and some sound advice to avoid all drive-through Chinese places, even if they are your child’s favorite.”

 

“Duly noted,” Tauriel said with a wince. “That stinks.”

 

“Literally, I’m told,” Bofur said cheekily, and dodged a swat from Bifur. “Hey, it’s the truth!”

 

Ori took one look at his partner and immediately tried to stifle his giggles. The white stripe his head wound had left in his long hair had been dyed rainbow, sticking out among the black. His t-shirt, likely made at home, had rainbow hands fingerspelling “BEST GAY EVER,” and when he turned to greet Fíli and Sigrid, the back was revealed to have a photo of Ori and himself from their last vacation, giving each other bunny ears in front of the Castro.

 

Bifur noticed Ori’s amusement and signed “Like it?”

 

“I love it,” Ori said, and kissed him. “You old cheese.”

 

“Not old. Antique.”

 

“Bifur, you’re thirty-nine,” Bofur said, rolling his eyes.

 

“Yeah,” Kíli joked, “that’s practically prehistoric!”

 

“Are you two done being cute yet or can we get started?” Fili asked, straightening his “bisexu-whale” tank. “Pride isn’t gonna last all day.”

 

“I dunno,” Ori said. “I could think of some ways to stretch it out.”

 

“Like arson!”

 

“No, Bifur-”


	2. Brotherly Love and Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The actual Parade part of the program!

When they finally reached the parade route, it was swarming with people. Ori almost didn’t know where to look and, despite the overwhelming nature of it, the sea of colors and laughter and glitter cannons was an odd form of beauty.

 

“It should be pulling by here in about half an hour,” Fíli said, checking his watch, “so we’ve got some time to kill.”

 

“Could I interest anyone in a game of cards?” Bofur asked. “I always carry _alpaca them!”_ Everyone groaned as he pulled out a deck of party alpaca playing cards. “Oi, that’s one o’ my best lines!”

 

“If you count that as a best, maybe we should have a chat with Nori about your continued relations,” Ori deadpanned. Bofur shot him a smirk. “I don’t need details!” he added quickly. “That was not an invitation!”

 

Bifur reached over and smacked Bofur up the back of the head, ignoring his cousin’s yelp as the motion dislodged his hat. “Are we going to play or not?” he signed, settling on the grass and pulling Ori with him. “No betting.”

 

“O’ course not!” Bofur said. “My husband ain’t here to keep the count! Still not great with numbers.” The last part came out as more of a mumble as the group settled down. They managed to wrangle together a half-hearted round of go-fish, but even that disintegrated into chaos when Kíli decided their brother was cheating and gave him a face full of cards.

 

“Settle down, settle down,” a voice said from behind them. Ori turned, grinning when he saw his eldest brother, Dori, who was closely followed by his own husband, Balin. “You’re all behaving like children!”

 

“Aw, but Dori!” Kíli protested from where they were hanging upside-down, dangling over Fíli’s shoulder. “That’s half the fun!”

 

“All the fun, actually,” Fíli said. “You should try ‘fun’ sometime. You might like it.”

 

Dori rolled his eyes. “Anyway,” he said, “dinner is at our house after the festival, if you youngsters are interested. We’re heading down towards the end. Old bones and all that.”

 

“Dori, you guys are barely in your fifties,” Ori said with an eyeroll of his own.

 

“Hurry it up then, O Ancient Ones,” Bofur teased. “Floats should be around any minute.”

 

No sooner had the pair left that the music started.

 

The parade itself was spectacular. The floats looked like rainbows had barfed all over them, and the people on the floats even more so. They all hooted and hollered as the marchers passed, and when the biker gangs came around, the group burst into hysterical laughter.

 

Dwalin was right up in the front, looking as fierce as anything in with his tattoos and piercings…and barely anything else. The giant of a man wore nothing more than leather shorts, combat boots, and a denim vest that would have been small on a child. Straddling the back of the bike was Nori, wearing booty shorts and a bow tie with knee-high leather boots. In his hands was a massive confetti cannon.

 

“Oh my god,” Ori gasped, covering his eyes and ducking into Bifur. “Oh my every-loving god, that is so much more than I needed to see of Nori. Ever.”

 

“Hey good lookin’!” Bofur hollered, and Nori gracefully leapt off of the bike and practically slithered over to him.

 

“What’s a fine man like you doing in a place like this?” Nori said. Ori groaned and pressed his face further into his boyfriend’s chest, which was now shaking with unrestrained laughter.

 

“Just enjoyin’ the view,” Bofur responded. “I like the looks o’ this.” He tugged on the bow tie. “Wonder what it’d look like with nothin’ else there.” To the great delight of the crowed, Nori pulled him into an absolutely filthy kiss.

 

“I’m so glad we’re not like that,” Ori said into Bifur’s beard. “If I ever get like that, just stab me. Please.”

 

Bifur nodded, dropping a kiss on the younger man’s forehead. Just then, they were almost blown over backwards by-

 

“Nori!” Ori roared, unnaturally angry. “What the fu-”

 

The red-head grinned, dusting off the confetti cannon he still held. “Just for fun, brother dear!”

 

“I am going to strangle you in your sleep, you mark my words!”

 

Nori laughed, jumped back on Dwalin’s bike, and waved as they sped away.

 

_“Nori!”_

**Author's Note:**

> For those curious, in this story Kíli is nonbinary, Tauriel is pan, Fíli and Sigrid are both bi, Bifur and Bofur are gay, and Ori is gay and ace :) More folks are showing up for Day 16! 
> 
> I'm rina-san28 on Tumblr! Come say hello!


End file.
